Monday, April 26, 2010

Mixed Emotions...

Maybe it's the rain.  Or is it more rejection added to the top of an already heaping plate?  It could be the emotions of moving on.  Moving on to a new stage in life; another fork in the road.  Leaving behind new friends, who's impact on me has yet to be fully felt.  Loss of security and heading off to somewhere old but new at the same time.  Trepidation fills my heart as I look forward to this new life and the old one left behind.  Or is it the same old life with a new spin?

Part of me is eager for change.  Another is screaming for things to stay the same.  I really really dislike change; my loathsome friend.  Sadly we live and change occurs all around us.  Something we just can't control, but beg, plead, kick and scream to resist.

These mixed emotions I feel today are so indescribable.  It almost feels like a hole is being torn in my soul(that might be a bit extreme). I would not say that I am depressed.  Just unusually sad.  I slept quite poorly last night.  Could that be a contributing factor?  I don't recall feeling this way last night.  I do wish some ray of light would appear to break this haze that has fallen over me.

As I take these steps into the future, maybe I, like everyone else has some fear of it.  I should not, though I guess I probably do.  It is not the fear of the future that plagues many regarding the age old question, where will I go when I die?  It has more to do with the uncertainty of tomorrow and the hollowness that it can sometimes bring.

What is most odd, I had many laughs today.   My day at school was fairly unremarkable, not unlike any other.  Small graduation/going away lunch for the graduates of the department I work for went well.  In light of the previous weeks events, I felt appreciated for all my efforts.  I will miss seeing my new friends and being a part of their everyday lives.  This almost feels like moving away from family.  I am happy yet sad, confident yet unsure.

It's just a very bizarre day.  One that I thought would improve with a little writing therapy.  I figured that sharing this would lighten my heart, and yet I feel surprisingly the same.  Blah!  I can hear a  friend say to me now, "stop being so damn emo!".  It's an inside joke we share.  Maybe one day I fill y'all in on it. You know, that actually made me smile.  Thanks Adam.  Whether you know it or not you just made my day.

This crazy life of mine; filled with rejection, sorrow, happiness... whatever.  Wow! I am getting far to poetic and dull.  It is time to stop this nonsense and get my head out of my backside.  The way I see it, I need to just get on with it.  If you have ever had a day like mine, think of a sarcastic funny moment.  It'll turn you around.  At least it just did for me.  How does it feel to witness a transformation right before your eyes?  Really, let me know.  Because this is pretty cool.

I officially feel better, and that's how it is!

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